Wednesday, October 14, 2015

the years go fast but the days go so slow

So here I am sitting in our poorly lit apartment but it's 9:33am and some sunlight is filtering in through one of our windows. It usually feels like it has the light of a cave but I am thankful that it has windows at all even if they are those little ones at the top of the garage door made wall. Before we moved in my parents in law couldn't remember if the place had windows at all but we make up for it as much as we can with strings of lights. We have some clear glass globe bulb lights and jalapeƱo lights. Drinking morning coffee from our landlords keurig machine. I really need to clean our space soon, it looks like a tornado of clay, paint brushes and tubes of gouache and acrylic, bubble wrap and tissue paper, found wood & drywall pieces and tiles, folded clothes that need to be put on their shelves but instead are stacked on top of books and origami paper and block printing supplies, computer cords and phone charger, stacks of zines and scrapbooking paper(that is used for collage), comic books, dowel rods, vhs tapes, canvases, guitar and original nintendo games and controllers. All of this reminding me I need to vacuum and to be more organized in our tokyo sized living space in the middle of the pine tree woods of east texas with all of its beauty and spiritual darkness.

Sometimes you have seasons of life were nothing much changes, you go to work, it's not so terrible, you go home watch tv and forget about your troubles briefly, go to sleep and repeat for days if not years on end, interspersed with interests like weaving, knitting, painting, gameboy pokemon, photography. That was my life till this year. My creative diligence has been maturing i would say intentionally since 12' in Orlando where Jamin really picked up on art not only being something you like and enjoy and pursue when you are interested but also work that you pursue even when you are not so motivated or inspired. But also it has been maturing since 06' when I lived on my own for the first time in Denton and started pursuing art on my own drawing faces with india ink and calligraphy pen at the local bars listening to jam bands and jazz quartets play.

I felt lead to enroll in school, community college and see if I could get an associates. Which may not sound like such a big deal to most Americans but something that paralyzed me with fear and anxiety till all the sudden it didn't, the fear just up and left me, which I thank God for. The reason for the fear was a background of no school consistency & the absence of American high school. So I enrolled which felt completely out of character and outside of myself. It felt weird. I don't know where it will go from here and at first I wasn't sure if I even wanted to continue past this semester but I have decided I want to, at least to an associates. I would love to go on to a bachelors and masters if I can but I have no idea where that money is going to come from since when my husband tried to go back to school when we first moved here almost 3 years ago he didn't qualify for any school loans, just a grant and scholarship which fell 6 grand short for the semester. But yay for pell grants because that is the only way im able to go to school now, having dropped out of community college 8 years ago because i couldn't afford both school and living. And i'm doing really well, research papers still freak me out but algebra isn't as scary as I thought it was going to be which is quite a relief.

I've been working with clay consistently as my main art focus since last november and I love it hard. It's cool to see the improvement over the year and trying new things and new forms. This past week I tried out a friends wheel for the first time without any instruction. It is harder than it looks. I had watched some youtube videos about centering and starting out, getting the clay to stick and stay centered was the hardest part for me. I made a small tray of beads awaiting bisque firing. It's approaching the holiday season and the place where I get all my stuff fired, since I don not yet own my own kiln is starting to get busy so I am not sure how much stuff or how quickly my stuff with go from being formed to its finished state, but that is ok. I am just focused on finishing my first wholesale order for pipes, which is almost completed. I think I need to read a book about it, make a friend who knows this stuff or take a business course or courses . I want to be professional but I feel light a deer in headlights when it comes to business, a bit clueless. It's holding me back from starting any new business relationships despite the fact that she has been really encouraging and sweet to me. I dream of being involved in more craft fairs and shows, wholesaling to stores, making stuff for gallery shows and installations. Etsy being the beginning of my professional journey doesn't seem like the place where i'm going to thrive.

So now to homework hoping I can stay focused to not spend too much time on instagram and have time left for some creating today.

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