Wednesday, March 7, 2012

i'm tired

i'm tired and smell of burnt frying oil. i took some of my sibling to the mall earlier today. a horrid place, i really don't understand malls with all their florescent lighting and bad smells of bad cologne and loud pop music being thrown at you with every store geared toward luring children in to spend their parents money. now i reek of frying oil from the food court i sat in while they ate.
I wish to smell of fresh rain. the sky was sprinkling a little as i drove them back to the house they are living in and as i came to where we live. i want the skies to open and pour down rain in buckets full. to see the wind blow it diagonally and see the ripples as new drops hit the growing pool of water that accumulates on our sidewalk every time it rains. the clouds make me sleepy and happy. overcast days seems to wrap me in a warm blanket of peace and comfort and childlike joy for rain reminiscing of days when i was a child who would throw on her swimsuit and her parents scuba diving goggles and run around outside in the wet outdoors. i miss moments like this that rarely seem to happen as an adult.
i have to go to work in a few hours and feel as though all my energy is spent. i have a thyroid problem that leaves me drained constantly a perpetual state of feeling my arms are too tired to lift to type or that breathing is taxing such a simple task. I love being in nature, i wish i could just live in a forest away from all human buildings that seem to drain their surounds of warmth and beauty and leave them stale like cardboard, bland and unfeeling void of joy and beauty. it really wears on me to live inside so much. to work inside and sleep inside and live inside. at times i despise it with a passion. i long with such a longing that my heart aches to go camping and leave humanity behind to be full of wonder with breathing in air rich with the smell of soil, the childlike wonder of exploring the before unseen searching for pinecones and mushrooms. studying the growing things that seem to cover every inch of ground in a lush woods.
i want to be outside more, it fuels me. to walk more, to live more. i feel i get stuck in this american way of living inside. inside our cars, inside our homes, inside our work. why is everything inside. anyways... i'll get off my soap box, and just say my heart wants to live amongst nature where i feel closest to God.


  1. Your heart is SO mine right now. I feel like all I am doing is living inside these days. Sometimes, I literally feel like bursting through the doors of the buildings where I work and fleeing outside stripping clothes and shoes as I do until I'm fully free [this would be frowned upon at Southwestern, and in most, if not all of America as well, lol!]
    I say all that to say, I COMPLETELY understand what you're saying and I think you put it so beautifully. :)
    P.S. Remember the first time I met you at Ouachita? We freely skipped down the middle of the street at two in the morning, wind whipping through our hair and laughing loudly not even caring that we might be waking up the entire neighborhood? Ahhhh... those were the good 'ol days.
    Love ya' sis... I hope you get your haven moment sometime soon.

  2. thanks and of course i remember that. we skipped really fast for like a whole block. you guys had the tiniest football area, a bubble gum tree, a deck area in the trees, nice big trees.